The Turbine has single-handedly managed to get a hold of a leaked report on the current president’s expenses that was prepared for a private viewing of the Public Accounts Committee. The details, as I’m sure you will agree, will shock even the most ardent ‘Miggeldy’ supporter.

The headline figure is that Higgins spent over €500,000 developing a set of trousers based on the mechanical trousers in the Wallace & Gromit classic ‘The Wrong Trousers’. It is believed that these trousers allow Higgins to converse at eye-level with visiting diplomats and heads of state, and keep up with them on walks around the Phoenix Park, something that was previously impossible due to his small stature. While the trousers do have the capability of walking up walls, the Arás vehemently denies that Higgins has ever used this function.

Another eye-catching expenditure is the revelation that Higgins has spent over €10 million during his 7-year term, trying to clone dinosaurs in order to recreate Jurassic Park in the Phoenix Park. It is believed this started off as a tourism initiative in Fáilte Ireland, until Higgins took an ‘unhealthy interest’ in the project, and moved it under his direct control. The Office of the President has confirmed that so far, only velociraptors have been successfully created.

Other items of expenditure that aren’t noteworthy include €5 million on Barry’s tea bags, €2 million on Leprechaun hats, and €20 million on massages and grooming for his two dogs.


By Shane Clune – Turbine Editor