An eight-fifty spice bag has always been among the most sought-after delicacies in UCD; the sweet and spicy aroma can be found permeating the peaceful atmosphere of the Confucius Building. That long-held peace has been shattered by the appearance of a staple of American culture right next door. The Clinton Institute recently unveiled the opening of a brand-new Chick-fil-A on campus, with the move rapidly escalating tensions with Confucius and creating an atmosphere of chaos and confusion.
In response to the Clinton incursion, Confucius is demanding the return of its red panda, which Clinton had on loan on the condition of full cooperation with Confucius on culinary disputes. The Clinton Institute has begrudgingly agreed, and the red panda has since been taken to Vet Med over concerns that Clinton staff had failed to administer the proper vaccinations. The fate and health of the furry little panda remain a source of ongoing contention.
Confucius has claimed the opening of a campus Chick-fil-A goes against longstanding Confucian beliefs of peace and harmony. A statement from their press office reaffirmed their commitment to the controversial one-food-location policy, a policy contested by Clinton as unlawful and harmful to capitalistic pursuits.
In response, Clinton has expanded its rhetoric around freedom of speech and business. Clinton leaders have also announced the renaming of UCD Lake to the Lake of Clinton and have moved military personnel to the N11 bus stop to protect the vital avenue for trade. Further retaliations have included the reaffirmation of its commitments to strengthen ties with the global science south and the commencement of construction of an artificial island in the Engineering Lake, as part of what it calls ‘a mission of security and peace’.
Clinton staff have also claimed that the swan in UCD Lake (Lake of Clinton) has been replaced by a robotic espionage device. Confucius has rejected the claims as a ‘false conspiracy ‘, while Clinton has issued reminders to all its staff about the punishment for collusion with another building – life imprisonment in the Newman Basement.
By: Séan D’ Shepard