The Turbine spoke to ReOpen Nominations (RON), a candidate running in every race in the UCDSU Executive Elections. RON has contested every election in the history of UCDSU so claims that experience is his greatest asset.

The perennial issue brought up by candidates is of course the issue of microwaves, Reopen Nominations is promising to fix this issue once and for all! “As YOUR President/Sabbatical Officer/College Officer, I promise to get a microwave for every single student!”

ReOpen Nominations has launched their campaign with their slogan in the form of an acrostic poem:
S – Engagement
T –
Free Stuff
U –
D –
E – Microwaves
N – Microwaves
T – Engagement

“As someone who has recently proposed to my now fiancée, I know a lot about engagement…” RON said.

As illustrated by their slogan, engagement is clearly a major issue for RON who has promised to hold coffee mornings to increase engagement at a never before seen rate, approximately 1 BILLION PER TERM!

You won’t believe it, but RON is even going to make a brand new <insert random social media site> account to generate greater <select buzzword: engagement/ inclusion/ community-feeling/ advocacy> 

“The Union has been struggling with getting people involved in the Union for many years, as someone who has recently proposed to my now fiancée, I know a lot about engagement…” RON said.

The candidate’s campaign is being run by their campaign manager, Mike Rowave who commented that “taking inspiration from this year’s College Officers, ReOpen Nominations is promising to magically find huge amounts of money in their budget for the very achievable plan of giving to give every student in UCD their very own unicorn!” When asked how his candidate plans on finding this money by Tribune Co-Editor Puke Dalkey, Rowave said “Ehh magic? Duh… that’s how Students’ Union budgets have always worked???”

Reopen nominations
Reopen Nominations’ VERY ACHIEVABLE Manifesto Promises

R.O.N. is also planning to get rid of the student levy, they haven’t said how to get rid of it, indeed they don’t know what it is. All they did was steal the manifesto points of the previous years’ Science College Officer, but fear not, RON is going to get bins for the O’Brien Centre.

When asked why they chose to run for the position, RON replied, “I am constitutionally mandated to run for every position” and also let me know that they have joined the Soc Dems via a Twitter post. They also broke SU and GDPR regulations by sending a message telling 954 students that they are running for every position.

Dugh Hooley – Who Even Knows At This Stage