Following numerous complaints from students in relation to the shortage of parking on campus, and countless failed attempts to encourage those who have no access to public transport networks to use public transportation to get to college, a board assigned to tackle the problem has proposed a weekly ‘fight to the death,’ by which students can gain a permanent space if they manage to ‘eliminate’ nine of their peers.

The introduction of the scheme follows reports of students arriving at campus up to six hours before their scheduled lectures just to try and find a space, with one student reporting that he drove around “for three days” in an attempt to secure a bay.

In a statement released by the authorities responsible for the plan, they noted that their investigation of “alternative avenues,” such as investing in more parking facilities proved to be “far too costly,” with their most recent report claiming that “the loss of a few students is far more advantageous than actually spending money on something that might benefit them.”

The report also noted that students would be required to sign waivers before the commencement of their fights, in order to ensure that student welfare policies were adhered to fully. It stated that “the welfare of students should be at the centre of any plan to allow them to kill each other for something we should be providing in the first place.”

Sign-ups to the scheme will commence in the coming weeks, and students who wish to take part are encouraged to adequately prepare by reading the ‘UCD Student Violence Guide, 2018’ which provides a list of banned weapons and fighting techniques that are in line with those of other academic institutions inside Dublin. The guide, while not overly restrictive, was introduced in order to differentiate itself from Carlow IT, whose 2017 parking space deathmatch almost resulted in their secession from the Republic of Ireland.

If successful, a pilot scheme similar to the current framework will be introduced to tackle the equally significant accommodation shortage on campus, and the authorities expect there will be ‘huge demand’ for such a scheme.

May the odds of securing a space be ever in your favour.

Jack Nolnod – Turbine Editor