Recently, The Turbine was able to catch up with everyone’s favourite nude, bronze statue to touch upon the changing seasons and the numerous hardships that come with it. 

Erected in 2013, the Portal man has stood strong behind the Sutherland practice courtroom, intended to encourage students as they head from their cosy dorms towards the potential academic achievements that await them in the central region of campus.

“I appreciate the role which UCD has provided me with, I really do. I stand up straight, keep a smile, and do my best to stare back at the passing students.”

While we enjoyed the small talk, our true goal was following up on the comments that the Portal man had recently made to numerous students who had passed him by on some of the colder days. He was quoted as saying the following: 

“You know, as the days shorten, so do I.

A nice knit beanie to cover my head would really go a long way.

It’s just the cold weather.

I just wanted to mention thermal shrinkage. No? Well, it affects 16% of mature statues like myself…”

When confronted in relation to the above comments, The Portal man admitted that he was having some “issues,”  passionately making it clear that the cold weather was to blame for his shrunken head. He vehemently insisted that in the warm summer months, he leaves a better impression on those walking by, and also, a “better-defined shadow on the ground”. Judging by the defensive nature of his response, our query seemed to arrive as a low blow for him.

But to our surprise, his teste-ness slowly developed into a flaccid, dejected mood as he outlined the frustrating nature of dealing with UCD. Although Portal man is one of the few statues on campus to achieve academic tenure, the university has made it clear that they refuse to clothe him for the winter as it would “conflict with the statue’s design” (perhaps some extra small GAA shorts would be acceptable?).

We reached out to Holly Mykropinus, a 3rd-year Mathematics major (with a knack for measuring) to collect an alternative perspective.

“You see, I personally think that it’s just embarrassing. That bronze statue is at least, what, 7 feet tall? You’d think that a big boy like that would be a bit… bigger. In my experience, it might just be a UCD thing”. Holly did note that she sticks around on campus for the summer semester, stating she is “misfortunate enough” to see Portal Man in all seasons, warm or cold.

“No. Difference. At. All. That frozen fibster is 3.65 centimetres, 365 days a year”.

We later approached Portal Man with Holly’s evidence, but all he seemed to do was shrivel up and hide.

Editor’s Note: We hope that our coverage of the situation does not come across as short and salty, but if you the reader feel empathetic (or sympathetic) for our beloved statue, take it upon yourself to do what UCD refuses to: consider donating a scarf for his neck, a mink coat for his member, or perhaps a nice warm Barry’s teabag for his teabag.

Ben Floyd – Reporter