Following on from a meeting this afternoon, the government has made the decision to place Cavan under the newly constructed Level 6 restrictions.

Speaking to the media in front of Dail Eireann today, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar elaborated on what exactly Level 6 restrictions would entail. ‘For the foreseeable future, Cavan will be placed under Level 6 restrictions. No one will be permitted to leave Cavan during this period nor will any individual be granted entry into Cavan. All goods destined for Cavan will be turned away at the military guarded border. Only those who are Cavan natives currently residing outside the counted will be granted entry once’.

In an unexpected announcement from the government, new mandatory identification cards are to be issued in the coming weeks. Citizens are required to return to their native county and receive their new identification cards from their local Garda Station between March 1st and December 31st of this year. If one does not make the journey to receive their new identification card they will be subjected to public prosecution and will face a lengthy stay at a Direct Provision Centre.

Cavan Lockdown Turbine

When asked for the reason behind the government’s seemingly spontaneous waste of taxpayer’s money on state issued identification cards, Mr Varadkar proceeded to show us two prototypes still yet to be decided upon and said, ‘Me and Eamo like the one made from recycled waste, with the laminated finish, but Mick and Biffo like the one made by the company they and their friends have load of shares in it’.

While talking to Mr Varadkar, a crowd of disgruntled Cavanites gathered outside the gates of Leinster House. A chant began between the crowd and a man with a megaphone.

“Who are we?”, Bellowed through from a figure behind a megaphone.
“Culchies”, the mass exclaimed.
“What do we want”
“Cheap and affordable housing in Dublin”
“And when do we want it?”

Our interview with Mr. Varadkar was cut short upon him catching the scent of the ensemble of countryfolk at the front gates of Leinster House. Varadkar fumbled hastily to clip his nostrils shut with a state mandated clothes peg with the Fianna Fail, Fine Gael and Green Party logos emblazoned upon it. Sadly for Mr. Varadkar this was not enough to prevent him from profusely vomiting, before wiping his mouth and muttering with utter disgust ‘smelly fecking culchies.”

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Before we left government buildings, we caught up with a man from Cavan bleeding heavily from his right-hand side laying down on the steps of Leinster House for a comment (The man was at Leinster House to meet a T.D. who offered to help. But unbeknownst to himself, the T.D. had resigned and surreptitiously moved abroad.)

When asked about how he felt about the Level 6 restrictions for his native Cavan he said ‘It’s a shame alright. I am a bit annoyed to be honest with you because I just singed a rental lease there on box room/house job in some oul wan’s back garden. She told me her son renovated it from a shed over a few summers on his holidays from his job as a hotelier. But I’ll have to get myself one of them card yokeys and this Level 6 malarkey won’t be ending for a while, so I doubt I’ll be leaving Cavan anytime soon! The lease on the spot covers myself, my kin and the generation which follows them. But hey sure it’s not all doom and gloom, we might get a day in Croke Park at some stage if we are lucky! And I’ll tell you what, I got a sweet deal on it too. It only cost me one kidney!

Armin Tamzarian – Mysterious Stranger