Do you live in constant fear of your own ability to make decisions for yourself? Are you otherwise fairly sensible but believe that shiny rocks have healing powers? Then you’ve come to the right place! Here at the Turbine, we’ve hired the world’s top-rated unemployed chancers who have devoted their lives to providing you with readings that could change your outlook on life! Welcome to the Turbine Horoscopes.

Aries: Don’t not do anything that you wouldn’t be certain would be something that won’t not possibly be beneficial for others but make sure that you don’t try to not try and do what’s best for you and those around you.

Taurus: It’s your mother. Your father and I are really worried about you. Please come home.

Gemini: Today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you.

Cancer: Don’t let your impending failure define you. 

Leo: Make sure to take more risks, but don’t be too risky about what risks you take.

Virgo: He’s behind you.

Libra: By now you should’ve somehow realised what you gotta do.

Scorpio: If you find that your path is unclear, it may be because its covered in leaves. Take this as a sign to buy a rake

Sagittarius: The root of your problems could be staring you in the face, take the time to look in a mirror. 

Capricorn: Take your vitamins. 

Aquarius: Slay.

Pisces: Just keep swimming. 

Jack Nolnod – Turbine Editor