The citizenry of UCD Belfield is diverse and complex, especially for those unaware of the different cliques that exist on campus. To mark this new academic year, The Turbine team has compiled an outline of the different species of students most commonly found on campus.
The D4 Aristocrat
An insular sect often unwilling to venture outside of the social groupings they established at the age of 12 on their first day of private secondary school. These students can often be found in packs, moving between classes for the course that would give them the career where Mammy and Daddy already have the most connections. They often display an outside appearance of decency, if not kindness, but those with opinions on inheritance tax left of Ronald Regan should be wary, as they become vicious and exert legendary meltdowns when provoked.
The Newman Dwellers
This species keeps to a distinct habitat, hanging around the Newman building’s unofficial smoking area along with the gloomy basement. Common traits among them include the addition of Dr Martens to outfits that don’t need them, a habit of smoking that crosses the line into performative, and changing their appearance through hair dye and piercings. Nicotine consumption is worryingly high among this grouping despite efforts by experts to intervene for the good of their health. If looking for an in with the group, we at The Turbine suggest joining the next performative male contest or carrying an obscene amount of tampons for one male.
Culchie Exiles
One of the largest sections of campus life, these students are those forced to leave the comfort of their hometown to obtain an education here in Belfield. A defining feature of the group is their unwillingness to spend a weekend anywhere near the Greater Dublin Area, typically leaving at the first opportunity on Friday, not to return until late Sunday night. Usually highly social in their approach to university life, this group is often the life of the party, or any function held on an evening Monday through Thursday. Late at night, this crowd can be found keeping Ryan’s and Copper Face Jacks in business. Spread all over UCD’s many schools, this is truly the most diverse of all of Belfield’s species, with the main commonality being found in their shared habit of bringing home the washing for Mammy.
STEM Warriors
UCD’s most employable students are the overworked members of this group. On meeting them, you will never be sure if their degree will lead them to someday work on weapons of mass destruction or the cure for a major illness. For many, it will depend on what pays more. Coming from a variety of backgrounds, they are generally united by a sense that their degree must be much more difficult than anyone else’s. In some cases, they may be right, but with AI likely to decimate their job market within the next decade, it is unclear if they can keep their track record of employment and maintain the superiority complex that comes with it.
The Overachievers
This species of UCD student is considered to be very rare, but their small numbers are highly visible around Campus. Active in all spaces from student societies and the student’s union to whatever jobs the college is willing to overpay them for. They can be heard constantly complaining of burnout while holding 12 volunteer positions that they could leave at any time. Attending any event on campus will allow you to meet at least two of this group, although you should be warned that on approach they may try to recruit you to join their organisation while they profess a love for it in ways that border on cult-like obsession. Caffeine is likely the easiest route to their heart, although with the number of college coffee mornings they attend every week, competing for it is bound to be tough.