To celebrate a wonderful year of being the propaganda arm of the UCD Students’ Union, we at The Turbine reached out to the staff of the University Observer to get their thoughts on the taste of the SU’s ass. Having spent that last year licking up to their funding overlords, the lads at the Observer sure had a lot to say!

Having reached their 2019/20 milestone of breaking THREE WHOLE STORIES that weren’t handed to them on a silver platter by their buddies at the Union, the UO staff agreed to give a taste test of their favourite delicacy!

For the sake of our audience, The Turbine, has redacted some of the more vivid quotes given to us by the staff of “Ireland’s leading student-run newspaper and magazine”.

“Licking up to the SU is the pinnacle of my career in journalism, nothing could ever give me the rush that it gives me! It makes me feel alive!” Explained one UO section editor, who wished not to be named. They continued: “After I revealed that The College Rag was written entirely by monkeys on typewriters, I got a taste of real investigative journalism, however that wouldn’t even get a single Michelin Star compared to my usual delicacy!”

Throughout interviewing members of the University Observer, The Turbine has learned that that the SU funded newspaper operates as a cult, with all writers being forced to swear fealty to a picture of the current president of the Union. This practise is known as ‘swearing in’. It is rumoured that UO writers are able to summon a team of 40 protestors to their location at any time by saying “Deeks” three times into any mirror on the Belfield Campus.

Members of the Observer Team have yet to clarify whether the current sabbatical officers will continue to give them stories wrapped with a single orange ribbon.

Dugh Hooley – Investigative Food Reviewer