After much confusion and anxiety regarding whether University College Dublin would re-implement the already proven ‘Yes detriment policy’, Student Union President and bearer of bad news Conor Anderson confirmed the reinstatement of ‘Yes Detriment’.

In a statement on Facebook, the SU president said : “UCD believes you’ve had enough time to prepare for a trimester of mental breakdowns and accepting that your degree will be harder and worth less than those who graduated under normal circumstances. Therefore, the ‘Yes Detriment Policy will run once again.” This was confirmed by the UCD President via smoke signal to The College Tribune

The ‘Yes detriment policy’ was implemented back in April 2020, during the early days of the Covid-19 pandemic, It was destined to be a success from the start.

The policy aimed to punish students for “simply existing” and “working to the absolute maximum during a global pandemic.” According to the campaign bio. ‘Yes Detriment’ was initially brought in on the back of a hugely successful online campaign ran by anonymous students, going by the alias’ of “Drew Geeks” and “Marxist Rodgers.” The Facebook campaign was supported by around 15,000 students.

Speaking exclusively to The College Tribune, Geeks stated “We knew students had it rough, it was becoming clear that they were suffering both mentally and academically because of the Lockdown. We thought the right thing to do would be to force UCD management into ensuring those, who were aiming for a first class honours and high grades, that their hard work would indeed not pay off, and that UCD would inflict further suffering on an already damaged and fragile student body.”

Throughout the summer, the ‘Yes detriment policy’ gained popularity when it was revealed through an academic that the policy was indeed “Mandatory, not advisory” and academics across all schools were told to dock marks and shatter dreams at every opportunity possible.

After a summer of UCD ensuring students that absolutely no classes would take place in person, the College decided to inform the ever-vocal SU that this ‘Yes detriment policy’ would once again run for the forthcoming year.

 Students can now look forward to another year of deteriorating grades, mental states, financial situations, and friendship groups, all as a result of the hardworking, transparent and in-touch UCD management team.

Muke Lurphy, UCD Martyr