College costs. We can’t get away from it. Now, after government plans to ignore the higher education funding crisis were met by hundreds of enthusiastic college students eager for an excuse to miss a day of lectures, the Department of Public Expenditure has drafted the following emergency account to illustrate why universities are so expensive to keep open:

€9,000 per student grant:

I mean we’re practically giving it away at this stage, would ye ever grow up and reach into your own pockets for once?

€25 million bribe to Dublin Bus to stop striking:

Look, we had to throw this one in somewhere and it’s not like anyone’s actually going to read a report on university fees.


€2 million per coffee shop opened up within 10 metres of the previous one:

As part of our programme to make university campuses more artistic and like the ones we see in those films at the Dáil movie night, (No, Mr Adams, we saw “The Wind that Shakes the Barley” last time), we’ve incentivised coffee shops to operate all over the gaff. You hardly thought Costa and the like were opening up a third shop in UCD because it made “good business sense”, did you?

€5.50 ministerial lunch:

Minister Richard Bruton’s lunch expenses following claims from the Education Minister, “I was going to go get my packed lunch from the car, but your student protests through town wouldn’t let me near it. In the end I had to get one of those fancy O’Brien’s sandwiches, and there’s no way I’m footing the bill for that one myself. You’re only hurting yourselves at this stage”.


Tadhg Treacy  |  Turbine Writer