Last Friday, University College Dublin announced its plans to leave the European Union. After a four-hour long meeting with UCD executive committee, our glorious leader Andy Cheeks emerged with a plan. 

Cheeks stated in a press conference: “Too long have we been held back by those European scoundrels. It’s time for UCD to take back control of it’s gates. We must negotiate our own deals with the tyrant Leo and the rest of those continental heathens. Take back control of Belfield. This is a good deal. Mmmm. Really great for UCD. No more dither and delay. Profit. Great deal.” 

After mumbling on for several minutes about “erecting a large statue” of himself, and “enslaving those wretched swans,” Cheeks announced plans to begin a €84 million extension on his office. 

The new office extensions would include a seven-story high tower from which he could “oversee the rebuilding of this once great nation.” Cheeks was criticised for his ambitious spending plans, responding to questions on what UCD will do without Irish state funding: “The EU and Irish State have held us back for too long. Our plans to capitalise on the abundant free labour of PhD students will keep this ship afloat.”

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The University released a very vague plan of securing Belfield’s borders, with large concrete walls to border the campus.

The Irish government has responded with plans to lay siege to Belfield campus, stating: “We’ll starve Cheeks and his swans out. They won’t last more than 100 days.” The Minister for Finance created an emergency fund to import a dozen trebuchets from France, alongside a legion of fire archers.

The EU released a video statement from Brussels which entirely consists of MEPs laughing at the South Dublin antics. 

Students have responded by doing absolutely nothing, vaguely focusing on their assignments and “kind of know what’s going on.”


El Presidente