This week, the CEO of Thirtieth Century Giraffe announced his studio’s plans to launch a remake of Harrison Ford within the next decade. “Remakes of classic movies have been immensely successful over the last couple of years”, Mr Brandt said at a press conference earlier this week, “films such as ‘Blade Runner 2049’, which just came out recently, have been great successes at the box office.”

“In fact, it was while we were working with Harrison Ford on this project that we realised that the potential for a remake of him was immense. Certainly, the original had a wide array of excellent attributes, but the studio felt that given today’s improvements in technology, there would be an opportunity to do things that just weren’t possible when the original was made. Plus, the original is starting to show signs of aging; he’s had several aircraft accidents in the last year, and he’s been getting injured on set which is a massive inconvenience. We’re also really hoping we can up the sex-appeal with a newer model.”

The studio certainly couldn’t be accused of dreaming too small with their plans for the remake either. The remake is rumoured to have an 8-pack, be more durable during filming; being able to withstand heavy set pieces falling on him, and one source even suggested that his one-liner potential would be boosted a hundred-fold.

The remake of Harrison Ford is expected to cost the studio at least $500 million, but is expected to earn over $60 billion over the length of his projected 50 year film career.

Philip Mignon – Turbine Writer