With the semester just over the horizon alongside heightened COVID-19 case numbers, it’s understandable that students may be worried about their safety. However, fear no more, as the Turbine has learned that UCD has appointed Dolores Cahill to head the University’s pandemic response team.

In fact, Ms. Cahill’s first order of business was to rename the “pandemic response team” to the “scamdemic response team” and pledged to “debunk the narrative” of the pandemic. This was a reiteration of her previous promise in an interview that has since been taken down from YouTube. Ms. Cahill chairs the Irish Freedom Party, so not only will we be in good hands, we’ll be able to ensure that our personal freedoms won’t be infringed upon. Feel free to scream in the face of anyone wearing a mask – it’s your freedom to impose on others, after all.

In that same interview, Ms. Cahill said that COVID-19 was being used “as a fear-mongering propaganda tool to try and take away rights from people and to make them more sick and to force vaccinations on us”. The interview has since been taken down from YouTube, so we cannot confirm whether or not Ms. Cahill’s head was actually attached to her body at the time.

Following the interview, Ms. Cahill was asked to resign as the vice-chair of the Scientific Committee of the Innovative Medicines Initiative (IMI), a partnership between the European Commission and the drugs industry to promote new drugs. Several other institutes have since distanced themselves from Ms. Cahill as well. The Turbine has learned that this has only occurred so as to free up her time in order to conduct business as the head of UCD’s pandem…- no, sorry – UCD’s scamdemic response team.

Ms. Cahill has further suggested to the University that free tubs of hydroxychloroquine be given in society gift bags, for the consumption of students whenever they’re feeling a little bit under the weather. We heard that Ms. Cahill bought “Extra” chewing gum tubs, scribbled out the “Extra”, and wrote “HCQ”. Ms. Cahill began to say more on this, though we couldn’t understand fully what she was saying as she began to shovel some of it in her mouth at the same time. You should really never speak with your mouth full.

We hear Ms. Cahill is settling in nicely, though we’ve also heard she’s had a bit of a cough for the last couple days, and she just won’t fucking cover her mouth.

Agam Cobwag – Anti-Vaxx Extraordinaire