“You’ve heard of money,” began Minister for Finance Simon Harris’ speech to the Dáil this Thursday afternoon: “now get ready for… none of that.” The ‘No More Money’ scheme, to be introduced as part of the 2027 Budget, reportedly received a standing ovation from government members in the Dáil this week, making it Harris’ first round of applause in his career as a politician.
“I’m delighted for the lad,” Taoiseach Micheál Martin told reporters yesterday morning. “Sure, we were all a little confused at first—you know Simon, he prattles on… I was saying, Simon, are you talking about Apple Pay? You know, contactless? No, says he, I’m talking about abject poverty for the average Irish citizen… widespread poverty, starting next year. It’s something we’re all really excited about.”
Martin went on to detail the three planned phases of the scheme, entitled “A Bit Less Money”, “Even Less Money Now” and “Destitution”. Through the “A Bit Less Money” rollout in January-March 2027, rent prices are expected to be in the low millions per month, gearing towards mid-to-high millions by “Even Less Money Now”. Further changes include increasing the cost of a Freddo bar to €19, payable to your local shop either all at once or in three instalments with added interest.
Stage two will see the rollout of what Harris calls the ‘Depression Tax’: “Essentially, if anyone is walking around looking too miserable, fines of up to €300 can be enforced. It’s a 15% increase per tear. It’s genius.” At this stage in the interview, reporters noted Harris’ bulging, bloodshot eyes and, perhaps in an effort to save some cash, an extremely wide smile. “I’m just delighted to be a part of the scheme. I’m just so happy. Can you guys hear that noise? That ringing noise? Can you hear that…”
The plan, however, is not without controversy. Discussions over whether it would be most effective to make the 2027 budget €600 billion or €10 caused rifts between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael. President Catherine Connolly pitched in: “I frankly think this is a [interference] those little government narcs [whooshing noises] hang on, I’m going through a tunnel [krrrsshh krsh krsh] I’m breaking up [kkrrrrshhhh]”. No reporters have managed to reach Connolly since, but several anonymous callers claim to have seen her boarding a flight to Norway wearing sunglasses and a baseball cap.
Deborah Noonlight – Out of Funds