In a press conference in the Vatican yesterday, Cardinal José Fernando announced several new measures that would be trialed by the Catholic Church in order to appeal more to Millennials.

“Millennials think differently from the generations before them” remarked Cardinal Fernando, “they treasure experiences, they live in the moment, they’re not as concerned by possessions anymore. Which is why we’re launching a series of new initiatives to appeal to them, to bring them back into the congregation, and to save their souls”.

Chief amongst the new initiatives is Avocado Communion wafers, or “Avommunion” as the Cardinal insists they be called. “Millennials have always had an affinity for Avocados, expressing serious enthusiasm for treats like Avo Toast. As such, this should be right in their ballpark, something that they can get excited about. Furthermore, as the Body of Christ is always free of charge, with or without Avocados, Millennials will be able to enjoy Avommunion and save up for a house at the same time, something that isn’t possible with Avo Toast”.

The other initiatives being trialed by the Catholic Church include geo-location filters for mass on snapchat, Craft Alter Wine made in individual church breweries, and changing some of the actions in mass to make it more accessible to younger generation; for example, the traditional “peace be with you” handshake is to be replaced with “flossing”.

It is hoped that these new measures will help the Roman Catholic Church to survive into the next century.


By Shane Clune – Turbine Editor