News rocked UCD as An Garda Síochána announced in a recent press conference that there is an ongoing investigation into the student newspaper for allegedly using slave labour.

The Turbine spoke to one of the alleged slave labourers upon their liberation from the confines of the ‘Not The Ucard’ office: “[The Editor] is a tyrant” cried Jacob, a member of the Tribune’s ‘reporting’ division, “he lured me in with promises of exposure and opportunity.” Little was Jacob to know of the pressure of working in a locked room with inescapable deadlines.

A source close to the story has revealed to the Turbine that Twitter will be creating a ‘#standwiththeTurbine’ hashtag for users in a move heralded by the UN as “remarkable.’’

Speaking to the Turbine, Conor Capplis, the College Tribune’s Editor, claimed that the paper wasn’t using slaves but instead students, “I understand that there can be some confusion between the two,” he admitted. Capplis went on to explain that both student and slave labour share some similarities; “students and slaves are both easily exploitable labour sources which don’t require much, or any, payment!”

Rumours circulate across UCD that finance irregularities caused by Capplis’ spending the entire production budget on “working lunches” and “SU shop sandwiches” may have led to the desperation of the Editor. Capplis, however, has denied these accusations claiming that this is clear evidence of a smear campaign by the Student Union.

This revelation comes just after the shocking admissions of University Observer Editor Gavin Tracey who recently admitted to living underneath the stairs of UCD President Andrew Deeks’ house and being forced to rely upon the scraps of Deeks’ barbeques for nutrition.

An Garda Síochána have announced that they will be following up additional reports of similar unpaid student labour across the college campus in what seems to be a widespread conspiracy.


Dugh Hooley – Turbine Writer