1. Jesus as a Teenager.

This part of the Bible is rarely mentioned because it contains some controversial topics like tattoos and awkward, self-chosen nicknames. It mainly focuses on Jesus at 17 and how he starts referring to himself as ‘The J-Man’ and later gets a large J tattooed on his back. He even briefly dates your mom… Zing! No but seriously the whole passage is mostly just about Jesus and his ‘J-Man’ phase.

  1. Jesus ruins the plot of The Godfather

This part is skipped in most of the Christian religions (except Calvinism) as, in the past, churchgoers frequently rioted over having the film spoiled for them. In the Gospel of Matthew, Jesus retells the entire story of the ‘Godfather’ franchise, beginning to end, to a crowd of lepers in Galilee. He then proceeds to act out the whole film for them (himself playing every character). Needless to say, we understand why this part is often ignored.

  1. Jesus builds an IKEA wardrobe

This part of the Bible was so irritating and boring that it was actually one of Martin Luther’s primary complaints about the Catholic Church  (who absolutely loved it). This part was a 67 page detailed description of how Jesus built a wardrobe for a man who had too many shirts and nowhere to store them. Jesus, being a trained carpenter, was glad to help. The story is nice, but it goes into unnecessary detail. For example, 8 pages are solely dedicated to Jesus explaining the many different types of wood and where to find them. The whole 67 page episode was previously omitted in the King James version of The Bible, but has been put back in recent editions as the demand for a deep, spiritual connection and quality wardrobe building instructions have both risen dramatically.

Seán Farbuckt – Turbine Writer