Turbine News Investigation

Students of UCD’s Newman building have spent the last 18 months protesting outside and conducting a letter-writing campaign to force UCD’s largest café to conduct a communist-themed redesign. Formerly known as ‘Blue Bird’, the café surrendered control of the coffee shop to UCD Students’ least favourite group of students: SU Hacks.

Following the reinvention of the Café, the now former-owners have “come to a mUtUaL dEcIsIoN” to hand over the means of production to their baristas and staff – “After 18 grueling montHs of having to put up with mEmbers of the Students’ Union, we at BLue Bird have agreed to cede control of our majority ownership share of the Private coMpany in what was dEfinitely a voluntary hand over. My daughter is very safe and definitely isn’t missing at the moment” said former company manager Dean Cavet.

We at the Turbine are delighted to see that nothing underhand has taken place though are largely confused by his strange emphasis during his interview.

We spoke to our new friends at Red Bird who kindly gave us a lifetime deal for free coffee as the start of their new business plan. The new joint owners of the café were quick to assure us that any accidental profits earned by the company will be shared equally among all staff members and that only soy milk and other “alternative” milks would be available for purchase from the establishment.

A complimentary copy of Das Kapital will be offered along with every Oat Milk Cappuccino and the cost of specialty teas will be reduced to 5 cents a bag following the removal of the 30 billion percent mark-up. These deals will not be available for any students who are part of the Quinn Business School.

Dugh Hooley Snooze Man