UCD has stepped up its policy of deporting culchies following increased calls by populist Dublin student leaders (that are not smoked salmon socialists) to make “University College Dublin a university FOR Dublin”.
Reports of vast raids across Glenomena and other known Culchie hotspots in UCD have been received by the Turbine Investigative Team (TIT) over recent days.
According to one Ag student, Arts students have been hired to help step up the removal of non-Dublin students from campus. These Arts students, known as the Institute of Culchie Extraditions or ICE, have been wandering the halls of the Ag building in GAA jerseys, skinny jeans and brown shoes to avoid suspicion before grabbing unsuspecting culchies and dragging them to the Sligo train at Heuston station.
Alex, a deported culchie, shared his experience with us: “They came into my apartment in Glennomena and dragged me out of bed in the middle of the night, took all my beautiful Bulmers and shipped me back to Longford. It’s still as much of a hellhole as when I left in first year.”
There have been reports of a disproportionate number of deportations targeting students from the North-West. One second-year student, Alexandra, informed us that she was sent to Strokestown, Co. Roscommon, despite having only distant relatives in the area who left decades ago.
Even this author has had to hide their Cork passport when going through the checkpoints at the Newman smoking area, despite being a native of Dublin with dual-county citizenship for the entirety of their non-taxable life.
While deportees raise fears about returning home, officials within the Dublin Homeland Security (DHS) unit dismiss these concerns, as there are no external conflicts or widespread violence in their native counties.
However, a great deal of the individuals deported came to Dublin because they were not suited to the culture of farm work and GAA violence, and they will likely be forced into such activities when returned. Cillian and Darragh, both from Wexford, were immediately made to return to lives of sub-minimum wage potato picking and violent hurling thuggery.
Media intimidation has been widespread, with one of our editors threatened with a return to Glasnevin. Attempts to explain that Glasnevin is in fact part of Dublin were rejected by DHS chief Nristi Koem.
“There’s no humour in tyranny, but there’s power in laughter”- a guy with asthma that I found on the internet.
Jimmy – PPU Representative