The Turbine looks back at the inaugural year of UCD’s only CCP-sponsored satirical periodical, ‘the Tower 塔‘. While constant controversy has surrounded the launch of this throwaway rag, we can confirm that ‘the Tower 塔‘ received direct funding from China, Qatar and worst of all, Andrew Deeks. With this in mind, The Turbine would like to condemn this dangerous fake news publication as it seems their reporting is not always accurate. Pot, kettle, black.

So what terrible false articles and illicit allegations has Belfield’s only rogue-state-sponsored ‘newspaper’ printed this year?

The Tower 塔: UCD Launch First Kink-Only Sandwich Shop – TheSubClub

The second Tribune print edition of the year was unfortunate not to notice that state actors from the CCP had broken into their office and put a new page into the middle of their new print run. The end result of this was a shocking story that UCD’s new sandwich shop, TheSubClub, was part of an international BDSM conspiracy!

This story dominated the news over the next few days, and students struggled to submit their work on time, instead spending every moment pondering this issue. Everyone in UCD was on edge, having yet to master the discipline not to discuss the revelation at every opportunity.

The Tower 塔: QATAR sponsor New UCD Labour Economics Department!

In the first edition after the Qatar 2022 World Cup, a strange new writer appeared in the hallowed pages of the Tower 塔 – Mr Agana, this new writer released a colossal bombshell! Qatar was due to sponsor a new UCD Labour Economics Department! This news came just after the clearly credible news that the Belfield campus was NUKED! But ignore the actual problems in UCD, we’ve got a press release from UCD about a new corporate sponsor! Let’s focus all of our attention on that…

The incredible prediction from ‘Mr. Anagram – Hodye Ghoul’ that Yleef Alro would become the next UCD President was totally backwards. How could they have gotten the prediction so badly wrong!

For the first time ever, the College Tribune‘s Editor in Chief needed to fill pages at the last minute. As ever in UCD, the CCP is happy to help to put together information for students. Just like when the CCP got overly involved in the classes being taught in the Confucius Centre, the Tower 塔... came to everyone’s aid with a second page, but don’t ask any questions about where the articles come from and who decided which articles would be written.

A newly qualified driver, Dugh Hooley had moved on from honouring their satirical inspiration; Art of Asbestos, to becoming a brand new formula one driver. If UCD had been the one to make this decision and released the information via FOI, you would receive the following:

“UCD has decided to announce that _______________________________ and that _____________ will be ____________ for the next 400 __________ and it will cost ________.”

The Tower 塔: How to deal with Writer’s Block

‘the Tower 塔’ accidentally launched early in Week one of the UCD college term, after their Editor in Beef’s finger slipped leading to their publication being included in the College Tribune’s first edition of the year. While the publication clearly published earlier than anticipated, the Editor of this rag responded to the Turbine’s questioning by saying – “Actually it’s a high-concept joke about my struggles to finish my…”

Dugh Hooley – Two-time Biggest Ego of the Year

the Tower 塔 is a satirical off-shoot of the College Tribune’s Turbine Section, for legal reasons, none of the fake announcements and ‘news’ articles are real or factual.