This Morning, the Dáil voted to replace the €250 payment with applause for student nurses and midwives. The payment is to go ahead as normal for all other third level students. The applause is set to take place on December 18th for exactly two minutes, with ministers and opposition party TDs to make meaningless statements and empty gestures of gratitude towards student nurses and midwives.

The vote took place early this morning in the convention centre, with all TD’s but one participating in the vote. The sole absentee was Eamon Ryan, who couldn’t be awoken from his sleep, in order to vote. This was despite multiple attempts from the Healy-Rae’s who were heard shouting weird culchie noises at the Green Party leader, their attempts were in vain.

The vote swung 113-36 in favour of replacing the payment, with all three Government Parties voting ‘Tá’ for applause. In a surprise move, the freshly cancelled Sinn Fein also voted to hold on to the cash in exchange for plaudits. Opposition party leader Mary Lou McDonald was quoted after the vote, stating: “Well, we’ve been outed as homophobes now. We may as well move over to the dark side entirely. Cancel Culture gets us all in the end.”

However, the news comes with assurances that the 4,000 student nurses in receipt of 2 minutes of applause will be able to pay for a month’s worth of rent, a big shop in ‘Aldi’, the dial-a-drink lad, and a substantial meal if they divide their applause into 30 second intervals.

Minister for Higher Education Simon Harris spoke after the vote stating “No, these 2 minutes of applause really do hold value. If you stand in front of your landlord, a shopkeeper, or the guy handing you a 70cl at 2 am out of his boot, and applaud for an appropriate time, they’ll be able to transfer the applause for cash.”

Tánaiste Leo Varadkar was seen filming the ‘Savage’ dance outside the GPO for his TikTok account, in celebration of the news. Michael Martin sort of smiled, weirdly, after the results were announced.

The leftover 1 million euro is to either be injected into our poor, dying greyhound racing industry, or given as a salary top-up for junior ministers, who could only afford 2 holidays and a 2020 Mercedes each this year.

Muke Lurphy , Cancel Culture Victim.