Speaking in St. Peter’s Basilica in Vatican City last week, Pope Francis announced that he intends to canonise every dog on earth as a way of thanking them for existing and for ‘…being such good boys and girls’.

His Holiness told the packed audience of worshippers that ‘…it is clear the dog is the most divine of our Lord’s creations. This is why he gave them his own name spelled backwards. It is time we honour our faithful companions as they ought to be honoured.’ The audience, including myself, naturally responded in an eruption of ecstatic applause. The Pontiff explained that he had been reading some of Byron’s poetry recently when he came across ‘Epitaph to a Dog’. He said that the following lines, struck such a cord with him that he immediately decided he must beatify every dog ever.

                                   ‘…The poor dog…

                                   Unhonoured falls, unnoticed all his worth,

                                   Denied in heaven the Soul he held on earth –

                                   While man, vain insect! hopes to be forgiven,

                                   And claims himself a sole exclusive heaven.’

I personally prefer ‘My Soul is Dark’, but to each his own… The beatification ceremony will take place in St. Peter’s Basilica on Sunday the 1st of April and will begin with Spaniels because they’re obviously the best breed.

Seán Farbuckt – Turbine Writer