A new study has rocked the world of apple users everywhere, with results finding that MacBook users are at greater risk of the often-fatal disease ‘Smug Superiority’. Also known colloquially as ‘my parents make a combined 110k a year’ and ‘I found myself in Thailand’ disease, the illness has made headlines as it claimed its first victim Deana Foore, a Trinity Classics student that owns 2 horses.
The disease is transmitted through the spending of over $1,200 on an apple device that will only be used to take 2-3.5 classes worth of notes and display a collection of ‘save the ocean’ stickers. Early warning signs may present themselves as furious key tapping despite no information needing to be taken down, commenting on ‘how great the coffee is here’ and owning a ‘Repeal the 8th’ jumper. Doctors are claiming that certain more serious cases have even resulted in subjects describing the deep emotional complexity of ‘The Smiths’ without the listener’s consent.
Warnings are also being issued to arts students; a group labelled vulnerable due to their predisposition to the more common precursor disease ‘unwarranted entitlement’. No cure has been found as of yet, but experts are suggesting pre-existing methods such as ‘getting a job’ and ‘growing the fuck up’, as well as more experimental methods such as ‘socialism’. If infection rate continues at the current pace, an estimated 87.4% of south Dublin students may be affected by 2020, a despondent outlook for all except Apple and the people who make those stupid overpriced Keep Cups. Windows users across the country have revelled in this news, citing this as proof of Apple’s inferior ways. We reached out to some of these windows users, but unfortunately, they were unable to comment due to their laptops needing to update for the 5th time in 2 days.
Robyn Alexander Dempsey Daly – Turbine Reporter (Satire)