Coronavirus. That’s it. That’s the article.

Or at least, that’s how the entire internet feels at the second. Insanity looms over us all, as we scroll through conspiracy theories that this is an elaborate plan to cancel all craic for the foreseeable forever as dictated by Leo Varadkar himself, and trying not to unfriend every person over 45 on your facebook list to save yourself from their theories about the army. It’s wild out there, and it’s only week one, so we can only imagine the wars that will be going on inside the houses will be like. 

 We here at the Tribune, from the safety of our own bedrooms have compiled a list of how to avoid murdering your family in the coming weeks. 

Take Up Something New

As everyone is saying, now is the time. The time to take up something new, like knitting, writing short stories, or maybe not being a selfish eejit. With plenty of social distancing measures, we’re all left with plenty of free time around the house, that precious resource we often find slipping between our labour soaked fingers. Stay indoors as much as possible, wash your hands and try not to accidentally end up in the pub. While it may be something incredibly new for many of us, it goes without saying (or at least, should) that right now there are more important things to be worrying about than pints. In fact, the perfect way to start off not killing your family is just that, by trying not to kill your family.

Become at One with Your New Internet Persona

Now that you’ve listened to quite literally every reputable source on how not to worsen a global pandemic, relax, enjoy yourself, become at one with the dystopian future of humanity. As Zumba classes are taught online, funerals are live streamed, and the memes consistently improve, it may be a good idea to accept that this post-post modernist world is the one in which we will inhabit. When your family asks you to do the dishes, you now have the power to walk away from them, uttering nothing. Ghosting your family may be difficult at first, but realistically after a few days, they’ll be sure to get the picture. 

Prepare for Online Classes

In the awful case that your family just doesn’t get the message and keeps bugging you, tensions may begin to rise. This could prove to be incredibly awkward as online classes begin to near, as nobody wants their tutor to hear their Mam roaring because someone has eaten the last slice of bread, halfway through discussing whether or not The Taming of the Shrew is a feminist piece or not. While you may begin to consider tying your family up and leaving them in the attic, that plan is very much illegal and sounds like the plot of Fair City. The best plan of action would be to ensure you have wifi, and to hide in the shed for the duration of your online classes, even if this too, sounds like the plot of Fair City. 

In the Meantime… Think of UCD Swans 

With UCD’s vacancy, there have been reports that the swans have taken over Newman with plans to renovate, placing sofas in every corner as even as birds they realise that Arts students deserve somewhere to sit. While some are wondering whether or not this is a ploy of the swans to avoid being eaten if we do reach apocalypse, it is still, understandably welcomed by the student body. 

No swan has yet commented. 


by Savannah Murray