An Garda Síochana have announced that the three UCD students arrested with conjunction to a grave assault of another student have been released and will face no charges for their participation in the incident. The students who were facing charges of beating another student unconscious with lecture notes over an alleged claim that he “hadn’t even studied” for a test that he received an A+ in. The “victim” of the justified attack has been called an “asshole” by his fellow students who claim to have heard the second year Politics student bragging about his 4.2 GPA shortly after admitting that he hadn’t studied “for like the past 3 months”. It is also claimed that he pretended to have been worried for test results with claims such as “Guys, I swear I’m gonna fail… I haven’t opened a book in months.” However, this terrible claim has not been proven to be accurate. 


A source close to the story has called this claim into question after the student was seen leaving the James Joyce Library shortly before 11pm with his hood up while trying to avoid being recognised. Students have also accused the “Victim” of asking unnecessary questions in lectures just to show off the fact that he is smarter than everyone else. 

Speaking to the Turbine, the anonymous “Victim’s” family said that shit behaviour was very unlike the young man that they have known for so long. “I don’t want to believe that he said these utterly despicable things” his father admitted, “If he did, however, he should get ready for another trip to A&E.”

The Turbine has reached out to the “victim’s” employer, for whom he works as a ‘Full-time Mad Bastard’, but they declined to comment on the vicious allegations against their colleague. UCD’s Student Union have reached out to all students advising them to give this student space when he does come back to lectures as it may be very traumatic for the students that will have to deal with him.


Dugh Hooley