Over the last few years, many questions have been raised about the funding of the national broadcaster, RTÉ. Many feel that the TV License system is “unfair,” “outdated,” or, in the words of one disgruntled taxpayer, “daylight fecking robbery.” In a rare case where the government addresses an issue long after public outrage has died down, officials have announced an innovative new approach: an oxygen consumption tax to fund RTÉ.
Under the new scheme, every breath taken by Irish residents will contribute directly to RTÉ’s financial stability. The government insists that this tax will allow the broadcaster to continue providing “essential services”, such as airing an 85th season of Fair City and reruns of Room to Improve, ensuring that Ireland’s pensioners remain adequately entertained and that Dermot Bannon can continue redesigning the same open-plan kitchen for the hundredth time.
Every Irish citizen will be equipped with a government-issued Oxygen Monitoring Device to track their breathing in real time. Revenue has assured the public that this is “not at all intrusive” and is simply a “necessary measure” to ensure everyone contributes their fair share to this essential service. A significant portion of the new tax revenue will be allocated to producing more panel shows where the same five people (earning €250,000 a year) discuss mildly controversial X posts.
Some citizens have begun holding their breath in protest of the new tax scheme, but the government expects these protesters to disappear in the coming minutes. One protestor stated they would “rather die than give a cent to one of those eejits in those weird fake square-shaped glasses.” This rant cost him €5 due to excessive heaving. Those caught holding their breath for too long will be fined for tax evasion. Critics claim that this new system is unfair, as the portion of the population with the fewest breathing difficulties also consumes RTÉ the least.
Those unable to pay will be given the “option” to power RTÉ’s operations manually by running on hamster wheels in the basement of the Late Late Show studio.
By Yash Murph, Turbine Editor