Trinity College Dublin is in turmoil after the sequel to the only good piece of literature they’ve produced in 11 centuries was leaked on Reddit last week.
The university, a tourist attraction in the city centre that occasionally dabbles in the exercise of educating its students, is best known for this old book that it charges American tourists €18 to look at two pages of.
Last Thursday, 28 blurry images allegedly containing extracts from the sequel were uploaded by Reddit user u/feely54. As nobody on our Investigations Team plans to step foot on Trinity campus or could be bothered to Google what the first instalment was about, we found the content baffling. It appears to begin with the main character being reincarnated as Paul Mescal, before abruptly cutting to a scene with Daisy Edgar-Jones. Our team’s Latin ability is quite limited, but it must be noted that the illustrator is exceptionally talented, and we were able to pick up the gist.
The college, which ranks somewhere between UCD and those technological “universities” in graduate employment, is now scrambling to contain this leak. Concerns have been raised that it will affect the launch of the sequel, which was due to be unveiled at the end of the year. The new exhibition for the edition was intended to fund the university for another few hundred years, but with the manuscript available online, ticket revenue is expected to be limited.
Once a hallowed institution of scholarship for rich Protestants, the university has been facing enormous challenges in recent years and is now primarily occupied by transubstantiationists in Doc Martens. Senior fellows, many of whom still remember a time when Catholics were only allowed onto campus to repair plumbing, have expressed concern that the college’s traditional character is being eroded. However, financial constraints have meant the University hasn’t been able to properly fund its legal department’s discrimination cases in recent years, and these values have been deprioritised.
Our analysts believe that Trinity will attempt to rely on its secondary income stream, the financial exploitation of international students, but a late entry into this market will prove difficult, given that UCD has already cornered the market.
Provost Deena Loyal has expressed dismay at these developments. “I think we are all worried about Trinity’s future in light of this leak. Trinity has such a huge place in Irish history, and I can’t imagine an Ireland without it. I mean, where else would the likes of Edward Carson have gotten his education?”
At the time of writing, Trinity has urged the public not to view the leaked images online and instead experience the manuscript the way God intended: By standing in a queue for forty minutes before getting bored after seeing it for 5 seconds.
By Yash Murphy, Turbine Editor