In the good old days of the 1900s, when John Henry Newman was more than just a money-maker for UCD, a financially-dubious tyre company in smelly France decided to review restaurants across the country in the hopes of forcing their unlucky customers to burn through more tyres. Similarly, The Turbine’s pathetic neighbour, the College Tribune, is also struggling financially, so we have developed the Turbine Toilet Guide in light of new market research. Why toilets you ask? Well, according to our own calculations, 69% of Tribune readers do so while taking a dump…

What matters to us? A good toilet in UCD should be judged based on the following qualities.

Clean: Does it smell? Are you seconds away from death if you enter without a hazmat suit and respirator?

Busy: If you suffer from performance anxiety like me, the sheer existence of another person near you is a dealbreaker.

Location: If you can’t get to this toilet in the 10 minutes between two lectures, then what is the point?!

Vibe: Toilets will get points in this category for amusing graffiti on the walls or having a nice view from the throne.

Special facilities: Does this toilet have a gloryhole? Does the lighting help your selfies or is there a free cruise if you tap your leg in the right sequence? Extra points for your favourite toilet if they tick these boxes!

The UCD Lake: Not ideal for a number 2…

The UCD lake offers a unique toileting experience. The facilities have been described in Google reviews as “lacking and slightly too public” but if you’re using this toilet, consider these qualities as features, not bugs.

Given the built-in bidet in the centre of these toilets, the UCD Lake gets an excellent score in the cleanliness category. I did get some strange looks when I was using this toilet, however, both from students and from the residents of the toilets: the swans. In terms of location, you simply cannot fault the Lake as a destination, it is central and you definitely know where the lake is.

No more running around Newman on your first day trying to find out which floor actually has a male bathroom, the lake is here instead! The lack of special facilities is disappointing with such a well-known facility, unlike back in the good old days when MEPs were building Temples on the floatable island. Just like UCD, it feels like the Lake his its peak years ago and we shouldn’t expect any further improvements in the future.

The Lake is a real destination and definitely worth a special trip, however, it loses a star given it’s a prime location to sit and each chicken rolls. This quandary actually inspired the famous phrase, don’t shit where you eat.

Verdict: Two stars, the lake deserves a special trip but it’s not ideal for a number 2.

The One Between P & Q: One free cruise incl.

The one between P&Q is a unique toileting location in UCD. According to certain reputable websites, The One Between P&Q is also a home for massive brand promotions! It seems that this toilet stands apart from the rest by dozens of people giving away FREE CRUISES in this bathroom.

While I am not sure of the connections between The One Between P&Q and the nautical touring industry, it seems to be a prime location in the cruising community which guarantees a good score in the special facilities metric. Sadly, however, The One Between P&Q is truly lacking in every other department. The location may be slightly positive, but the judgement you receive from all the surrounding students in this area when you leave the bathroom 20 minutes after you entered is troubling.

I had hoped that the ‘P&Q’ in this location’s name did actually stand for peace and quiet, but I was sorely mistaken. Their terrible cleanliness rating leaves me trying to fit the word piss into that acronym, however, it’s 2 am and my editor will give out if I don’t submit this tonight so this is the best you get. Perhaps that mentality seeps into the toilets too, as the sheer mediocrity of this toilet is as staggering as the smell.

Verdict: One star, only if you are at risk of kidney failure.

Weird fact: the University Observer is banned from this spot for being too shit even for a toilet.

The Newman Basement: Bog standard.

When John Henry Newman’s saintly name was given to this building, he must have rolled in his grave. The atrocities which have occurred in this bathroom amount to chemical weapons attacks. Thankfully, UCD doesn’t have oil so nobody cares.

The bog standard toilet, the Newman basement is a must-see venue in UCD which blends the old and the new seamlessly together in one unique setting: the graffiti. The graffiti in this location may not rival those in the men’s toilets beside the UCard printer, but it certainly has its charm. From edgy political memes to comments about certain lecturers, the lack of WIFI in this bathroom will surely be forgotten as you read the walls!

The Turbine dispatched seasoned reporter Fhekul Mather to this location to give his personal judgement on this toilet: “My existence is based on a terrible pun which my creator is way too proud of, despite this, I found this toilet genuinely disturbing but I really enjoyed hearing two of my lecturers discuss and annoying student while I hid in one of the cubicles to avoid them seeing me.”

Verdict: One lucky star. With poor ventilation and a pretty crappy decor, the Newman basement is an utterly bog standard excuse of a toilet. While Newman may be the butt of many jokes, this is really the bottom of the building and the arse of the pile.

Engineering Basement: Glory-ous hole (missing)

Her glory(hole) days are behind her, but the Engineering basement is making a play for the Top Of The Po(o)ps TM. Having had a recent makeover, the engineering building’s most interesting toilet has had its most distinguishing feature removed: its glory hole. This shocking move has led to tens of people being upset. Think about that next time UCD. You ruined this whole review.

Due to its lack of dirtiness, the now-clean Engineering Basement Toilets will now recieve a positive score. I am devastated. Located at the bottom of UCD’s third most depressing building, the toilet is uniquely placed to allow engineering students to cry into the mirror as the psych themselves up again to go back to coding or whatever those scary STEM people do.

The industrial feeling in this toilet is matched by the futures of its users, well-paid jobs in actually respected industries… Nonetheless, the lack of graffiti in this newly outfitted bathroom, combined with the spotty internet connection is disappointing.

Verdict: 2 stars. This bathroom is worth a visit, even just for the nostalgia of having visited the infamous gloryhole that once lived here. As one reporter Fhekul Mather said: “leave me alone I’m trying to sleep” oh sorry, wrong line.

“What type of toilet paper does the maths department have? Multiply.”

Science West: Simply the best.

Simply, simply lovely. Downstairs in Science West Wing, just past the strange cabinets of rocks and other geological samples lies perfection. A hidden mystery in UCD, what makes the perfect, unassuming toilet?

Clean and quiet, nobody else uses this toilet. It has good ventilation so no respirator is needed. The hooks are still on the backs of the doors and the lack of graffiti is barely noticeable as your phone still has internet in this small realm of heaven tucked into a condemned building. When Science West is knocked down in a few years time, few will know what we have all lost. It is the best toilet in UCD, or at least, the best toilet I, the Shit Investigator, am willing to divulge.

This bathroom is so normal that you would be forgiven to walk past it without noticing that it is actually a small slice of heaven. I’ve walked to this bathroom from my rightful home in the attic of the Tierney Building many times. With a positive score for being so quiet, and further positives from the WIFI reaching into the cubicles-this is the quintessential toilet. This incredible three-star toilet is worth a trip across campus just for the privilege of entering its hallowed corridor of strange rocks.

Verdict: Heaven. Trinity students should walk all the way from the city centre just for the chance of being allowed in. 3 stars.

The Law Building: What’s all that white stuff?

The bathroom in the law building is so clean, they could easily win a case in court. The suspicious lines of white powder beside the sinks, however, are less perfect. The stalls are so spacious, they could comfortably accommodate a group of lawyers debating the finer points of a case… or allow for plenty of baking powder to be packaged.

These bathrooms don’t have toilet paper, they instead use the application letters of students who didn’t get into law- but they’re so abundant that no one has noticed them being missing. This bathroom is worth visiting if you are walking past Sutherland and feel the urge to pretend to be a law student like your friends instead of walking into Quinn and ‘doing your business there’. There’s no shame in coming in here to pretend to be a law student right?

Verdict: Guilty. Oh, sorry: Two stars, I left the bathroom super excited, finished libraries of legal literature and ran 10km home. I did it all with a nosebleed.

Dugh Hooley – Shit Journalist