Following in the wake of awkward family gatherings, 12 Pubs shenanigans, the stress of a part time retail job and general excess, many UCD students upon their return to college have found themselves unable to remember how to write.

This new affliction has been dubbed “Productophobia” and apparently stems from an inherent desire to do absolutely nothing all year after Christmas.  This overrides the side of your brain typically associated with work and intelligence, leading to an overwhelming number of selfies and other timewasting activities. Researchers say they have never seen anything like this before, and there is little they can do for some who have submitted themselves fully to their lust for an apathetic lifestyle.

Thankfully some UCD students in the Library Hub have opened a Writing Help Centre, which can gradually reverse the defect through therapies such as the Mirror Box Technique and other things they saw on the last season of House. The students who are running the course have a high attrition rate, as the sight of their fellow academic struggling so hard to form words without leaving out most of the letters is heartrending to say the least. One, who wished to remain anonymous, said “It was like watching a deer taking its first steps after an accident that had taken off its front legs. The will is there, but the ability has been cut out entirely”. She then broke down into a sobbing mess.

We would advise  a complete avoidance of the library until at least Week 4 of this term, lest those of you  who do not suffer from this affliction inadvertently mock those who do. And if you feel yourself being less and less willing to write as the year progresses, don’t worry. There are many others like you. And at least now you know what’s wrong with you in the first place.