News of the “Don’t be Poor” scheme has surged across UCD like a Haitian tsunami engulfing conversation by conversation in a tidal wave of offense and outrage. The plan, which seeks to eliminate all students whose net worth is less than €100,000, has been vocally opposed by loads of students that hadn’t protested anything in at least two days.

Speaking indirectly to The Turbine via smoke signal, UCD President Andrew Deeks explained the launch of the new scheme; “I think that the ‘Don’t Be Poor’ scheme makes a lot of sense.” The scheme, Deeks continued, is the manifestation of his many years of work.

Responding to the criticism, Andrew Deeks stated, “It has come to my attention that many students will not be able to afford on-campus rents…,” the evil mastermind stated while stroking his white cat ominously, “so our plans are working perfectly”. Deeks then broke into a fit of maniacal laughter which lasted for 15 minutes. 

Deeks explained his entire wicked plan in intricate detail over a 3 hour period to the UCD SU President Joanna Siewierska who he had trapped in his evil mansion. Deeks refused to give comment on why he was explaining the plan while admiring his own reflection in a large window.


Tamarin Tooley – Turbine Zoological Specialist