With only days to go before the historic All-Ireland Senior Football Final between Dublin and Kerry, ambulance  Donie O’Sullivan and Paddy Guiney go head to head to decide which county is better.

Up the Kingdom!

Donie O’Sullivan

Dubs – please finish your Soya Milk Skim Frappuccino quickly, seek  as this article may ruin it for you.

1995: divorce was legalised in Ireland; plans were announced for a new light-rail transport system in Dublin called ‘Luas’; a pint cost £2.42 (Ireland was still using the punt); and Justin Bieber was only 18 months old. It was also the year two great miscarriages of justice– O.J. Simpson was found not guilty of the murder of his ex-wife and Dublin won an All-Ireland football final.

Fortunately, see they haven’t been in a final since. However, much like England in ‘66, the Dubs haven’t let the rest of us forget that they used to be good at football. Thanks to a poor performance by Tyrone and Donegal’s reluctance to use any of their forwards in the semi-finals, the “boys in blue” have found themselves in the final. They face Kerry, a county that has won no less than sixAll-Ireland Championships since the last time the Dublin seniors found themselves anywhere near Croke Park on the third Sunday in September.

I’m not going to pretend that I know a lot about football; after all, I have been out of the game for quite some time. Fighting off a “bad hamstring injury”, I decided to retire at the climax of my career. I called it a day after winning an under 12 South Kerry B Championship (on the bench) with my local club St. Mary’s in Cahersiveen, to give some of the up and coming players of the time, like Bryan Sheehan, a chance.

When I first moved to the capital, I was asked by a lovely south Dublin girl if Kerry was in Wicklow. Despite her stupidity, I still emerged from the conversation feeling like the idiot, as she and her friends could not believe that I had never been to Avoca Handweavers, not to mention Donnybrook Fair. I returned to my accommodation on campus that night feeling as though living in Kerry had hindered my life experiences.

Two years on, I’ve had “lunch in Avoca in town” and the Tofu stir fry from Donnybrook Fair – and I must say, it was decidedly average. My experiences have led me to conclude that not only are Kerry better than Dublin at football, we’re pretty much better than ye at everything else too.

Dubs will march to Croke Park next Sunday undoubtedly believing they are superior to anyone from Kerry because living in the city has allowed them to become more cultured and wise than Kerry folk could ever hope to be.

Dubs think they have better infrastructure and facilities than Kerry people. Two words: Aqua Dome.

Dubs think there is nothing to do in Kerry, clearly forgetting that the Kingdom plays host annually to the Rose of Tralee, not to mention the sheep shearing championship in my hometown of Cahersiveen every August.

They think they are more liberal because their diverse city is more accepting of homosexuals. Kerry people are also very accepting of homosexuals, it just so happens that there aren’t any in the county, “that’s for sure.”

There is no social stratification in Kerry (unless your father is from Cork), we may wear wellingtons and we may drink from buckets (or the Sam Maguire), but we do it together.

Kerry people live far healthier lifestyles than Dubs. Ask any Kerry person and they will tell you about how all Dublin people are “stone mad” for cocaine – “sure aren’t they all mad on drugs above in Dublin.” No Kerry person has ever touched cocaine. In fact, the only “Charlie” in the Kingdom is Charlie Nelligan, a seven time All-Ireland Champion and, incidentally, an excellent baker.

Thus, any rational person will conclude that not only are Kerry better at football than Dublin, we are better all round. You may have had Oscar Wilde, but we have Paul Galvin.

Kerry is the county that gave you Jackie Healy Rae (a true statesman if ever there was one). Kerry is where Kerrymaid is made. Kerry is where an inch is a mile and it’s where the Sam Maguire will be next Monday morning.


Up the Dubs!

Paddy Guiney

Photo Courtesy of Michelle Connor
Photo Courtesy of Michelle Connor

When I first saw that the College Tribune was looking for a willing participant to write a piece on whether Dublin or Kerry was better, I jumped at the chance to poke fun and show why we Dubs outclass our Country Mouse compatriots.

This debate certainly did not spring up overnight. In the centuries long distinction between the “Pale and rest”, the Kingdom is certainly no exception, especially when it is located at Ireland’s heel.

From the outset, the list of reasons why the “big city” is better than Kerry is endless: jobs, social life, education, roads, and sport (thought you were supposed to have us there, lads?). The list goes on, but one thing is clear: Dublin outclasses Kerry on almost every level.

They may have roaming green pastures, a magnificent mountainous region and that certain Dolphin that every Kerry person seems to hold dear in their heart – but you can only stare at those fields and that lovely mammal for so long.

Dublin is the economic and social hub of Ireland, while Kerry, though scenic,is only useful for the Rose of Tralee (which they rely on to pump some money into their backward economy).

When researching this topic with a group of Dublin friends, one asked, “can’t we just split the country in two? We could have two different time zones. One on Greenwich Mean Time and the other thirty years in the past, a time when the famous play “Philadelphia Here I Come” was true to life.” Although this light-hearted view is slightly harsh, it does tap into a hidden perception Dubliners have of Kerry and the country itself. Ask any student or person with a nine-to-fi ve job if they would relocate to the other side of the country and it’s clear that not many would uproot their lives to move to Hardy Bucks land. Let’s face it, the age old phrase “all roads lead to Dublin” is very true.

For one, we should look at the history surrounding both Kerry and Dublin. Kerry, with its deep rebellious culture, hasn’t a patch on Dublin’s glittering past. From the establishment of a bustling Viking fishing port, to the life changing events of 1916, Dublin is the epitome of a city rooted deeply in Ireland’s historical past. There’s a reason tourists flock to Dublin in their masses; it has everything to offer from the buildings marking Ireland’s foundation as a nation, to the Spire rooted in the center of Dublin. There’s a delicate mixture of past and present. Kerry, on the other hand, has field upon fi eld of sheep and maybe the odd post office.

Where would you rather live: in a place on the periphery of Ireland or a city at the core of the country? Dublin is at the forefront of multiculturalism. It now boasts its own mini-Chinatown, while Kerry folk are lucky to be able to call Tralee an overcrowded village.

People move to Dublin, not the other way around. Kerry is not for the young or even the young at heart. Dublin is a city that never sleeps, but Kerry is in a coma.

To finish on a constructive note, Kerry a picturesque place that you definitely want to visit, but it’s an old Ireland that you wouldn’t stay in long. Dublin is an ultra-modern city with the right blend of old and new. It’s where any person should want to come to study, work and of course play.

With their Fila shirts and O’Neill’s bottoms, it’s very easy to feel sorry for these poor boggars, but at the same time its great beating them at a game they think they created.

In conclusion, this writer believes that Dublin is head and shoulders above that little place far away from the Pale.