It is with great sadness that I must recount the death of the dearly beloved superhero, Aquaman, AKA Arthur Curry, who passed away yesterday in a tragic accident. He was swimming with friends off the coast of California, when Superman realised he wasn’t following behind the group. The Flash went back to check on him and found Aquaman lying face up in the water. He was dead.

The autopsy, performed by Superman just minutes afterwards, found that Aquaman had ingested large quantities of plastic over the years which had destroyed his stomach. Inside Aquaman’s ruined stomach, were things like lighters, bottle caps, sweet wrappers, pens, plastic bags, and even a radiohead album, completely intact. Scientists say due to high rates of pollution in the ocean, we can expect to see other water based characters die in the same manner and probably a lot of fish and underwater mammals too. With the death of Ariel, the Little Mermaid, back in October who died after choking on a six pack ring, the sea community has suffered another heartbreaking loss from similar circumstance.

Aquaman is survived by all the fish and mammals in the ocean, a few humans and his superhero friends, and also Ant-Man, who I refuse to call a superhero. The funeral will be this Sunday in St. Poseidon’s Church, Atlantis. May he rest in peace.

Seán Farbuckt – Turbine Writer