It’s week 7, the evenings are dark and the deadlines are piling up – Here’s the news you may have missed while catching up on the work you *should* have done last week.

LawSoc the Big Earners as L&H Find its Pockets Empty

As the saying goes – “With age, comes wisdom”. Universally relevant, it seems, to everyone except UCD’s oldest society, L&H, who in their 165th session managed to rack up losses of over €6,000. The society has apparently been struggling with large sums of debt adding up from previous sessions – clearly, their financial “wisdom” is being passed down from generation to generation like some sort of genetic disease. L&H’s biggest achievements last year have been; firstly, managing to spend €1,000 on postering in two months and, secondly, having their business activity endorsed as “bizarre” by one Legal Assessor. LawSoc on the other hand ended their session with a surplus of €10,230. Nothing like a sponsorship agreement with a big four law firm like to help you balance the books – Perhaps one of the L&H members can get one of their daddies to put in a call for them this year?

UCD Student Arrested For Money Laundering

A UCD student has taken the sport of college extracurricular activity to an elite level by reportedly laundering €140,000 through two Dublin-based bank accounts this year. The economics student has been arrested and charged this week in connection with a €1.4 million money-laundering investigation. An Garda Síochána has said the student was a ‘flight risk’ as, incredibly, the prospect of a Mountjoy prison cell was seen as inferior to another night in one of UCD’s on-campus accommodations. One thing is for sure, as far as the “When I got arrested in college” stories go, this certainly beats drunkenly urinating in the middle of Grafton Street after a heavy night in Coppers.

‘No Detriment’ Policy Dead and Buried 

After coming to the rescue of approximately 0.00% students, the phantom, ‘not mandatory’ ‘No Detriment’ policy has officially been murdered. Having, supposedly, been implemented following the onset of the pandemic, this week it was announced that the guidance was no longer in place. UCD has said that it believes we have been prepared for an online semester and do not need any ‘special’ accommodations. Thus, we can only conclude that UCD has defeated Coronavirus! How else could you justify having no ‘special’ dispensation – there must be nothing ‘special’ happening! So, we’ll all just arrive on campus on Monday right? Oh wait… 

Poll Places UCD As Third Best University in Ireland 

It’s been barely a week, but it’s time for another trip around the hubris dome – Bon Voyage! Following UCD’s recognition as the top university in Ireland last week, the latest QS World University & Sunday Times rankings have placed UCD a megre third in their list of top Irish Universities. In a stunning endorsement, UCD’s own SU President, Conor Anderson, told The Sunday Times he doesn’t think he’d recommend UCD to any possible applicants. One can only presume the next logical step for SU members is to stand on the Stillorgan dual carriageway and deliberately stop any new students from entering Belfield themselves.

But hey, it’s not all bad right? It looks like defeat is coming for the dividing, populist Presidents of the world. 

So long Donald! Watch your back Deeks…

Gemma Farrell – Assistant News Editor