College is a time for learning, whether through self-discovery, a bad drug experience, or through assignments that you may complete.

While we would never imply that one form of learning is more valuable than another, assignments can be time-consuming and make those 14-hour Mescaline trip you’ve been planning seem all the less feasible. Luckily, you have chosen to complete an arts degree, so let’s examine the top five assignments you would have been required to do if you had taken the advice of your parents:

Essay title: List and explain the fundamental principles of first order response systems.

Word count: 500

Our comment: This wouldn’t be so bad if we could just list and explain a few of the principles, but I don’t have the time to list and explain all of the fundament principles.

Essay title: Determine the higher and lower calorific values of natural gas.

Word count: 1500

Our comment: Higher and lower? Now that is pushing it.

Essay title: Examine how a wiring diagram for PLCs and devices can aid engineers in the field.

Word count: 300

Our comment: How about I examine my foot up your ass, professor! I have to catch up on First Dates Ireland tonight.

Essay title: Discuss the differences between single phase alternating current and three phase alternating currents.

Word count: 500

Our comment: Make me.

Essay title: Explore the transient response of a first order system.

Word count: 2000

Our comment: Thank god I chose arts!

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