Fine Gael leader Leo Varadkar is currently on the hunt for ‘friends’ to hire. The news comes as he was forced to create a Strategic Communications Unit, to make him seem slightly likeable, costing the Irish people €200,000 a year ( this is likely to grow when they realise the task they are taking on). Currently he is about as likeable as pineapple pizza. The ambitious Taoiseach hopes to reach ‘sticking a cocktail stick under your toenail and kicking a wall’ by January.

Pineapple pizza may actually be a good metaphor for our Leo. The vast majority don’t like it and those who do, just do so to spite the others. Also his presence at a party would elicit a disgruntled moan followed by someone shouting ‘’Why would anyone willingly choose this?’’ and/or ‘’Guess we’re all gonna have to move to Australia again’’.

The job of ‘friend’ entails writing down a diary of all the endearing things he does like wear funny socks to meetings or avoid answering questions asked by women. Then you’ll send it on to his staff of PR experts who will see if any of it is worthy of shovelling out onto RTÉ News, like the coal trimmers on the Titanic desperately trying to avoid the iceberg that we already hit in 1921 and has been slicing our ship ever since. The job pays €5 an hour so if you’re interested, send him an email with your name, address and the time your parents wake up at in the morning.

NB: Women or Men with dignity need not apply.

Sean Farbuckt – Turbine Writer