A recent Fócas investigation has revealed a disturbing lack of left-handed desk chairs in tutorial rooms across campus. In order to ascertain the extent of the University’s sinister deficiency, a crack team of investigative journalists scoured the seminar rooms of Belfield, counting close to 700 desks in the process. Most were located in the John Henry Newman Memorial Building and Agricultural Science Chapel of Knowledge.
Every UCD student is familiar with the scourge of the desk-chair, the terror of tutorial rooms across Belfield. While some have basic armchairs under detached desks, most are populated by halfway-house combination desk-chairs, inspiring in the user memories of cramped school classrooms and the watchful eyes of stern nuns. While this experience is at best unpleasant for the dexter-inclined, it is a waking nightmare for our lefty comrades, who are regularly forced to struggle with incorrectly-tailored workspaces.
In total, we counted almost 700 desk-chairs in both the Newman and the Ag Buildings. For the first time in history, we can reveal that 7.7% of the desk-chairs at UCD are for left-handed students, and 92.3% are for right-handed students. With statistics from scientists indicating that 10% of the population are left-handed, this investigation shows that the University’s desk-chair-management-skills are out of whack. Students are being LEFT BEHIND.
We also came across many rooms with no left-handed desks. There is a 21.8% chance a left-handed student will walk into a classroom with zero left-handed desk-chairs, suggesting the abuse is endemic at UCD.
Lefties in Grave Danger
On the Titanic, a famous ship that sank in the sea, 53% of people could have been saved if all the lifeboat spots were used. But this didn’t happen. Just 20% of men survived, compared to over 70% of women. Much like the men on the Titanic, UCD’s lefties are being left behind.
Most disturbingly, approximately 25% of lefties are forced to sit in right-handed desks across Belfield. Proportionally, using statistics, we calculated that lefties would have had a higher chance of surviving the sinking of Titanic than getting a left-handed desk in UCD.
Andrew Deeks – Witch Hunter?
Discrimination and abuse against lefties is nothing new. In medieval times, they were considered to be consorting with the devil. Being left-handed was often enough to convict a woman of being a witch and they were condemned to be burned at the stake. Many of us well-adjusted citizens of the modern age consider these times barbaric and best left in the past. However, with evidence of blatant discrimination uncovered even today, it is unclear whether UCD condones the actions of 14th and 15th century witch hunters.
In light of these findings, we believe that immediate action needs to be taken. Remember, after acceptance, UCD administration promises every student not just a place at the university, but a seat at the university. Therefore, the University could possibly be legally liable for failing to properly account for the left-handed population.
In the interests of fairness, we consider it proper that students are only charged the fees for the service they are provided. Considering that left-handed students are denied their full learning experience, we calculated lefties should only be charged €2,310, instead of the full €3,000, which is an exact compensation for the percentage of discrimination faced.
The College Tribune spoke to The College Tribune Co-Editor and friend of the paper Luke Murphy, Co-Editor of The College Tribune, about his experiences as a lefty at UCD. “It’s fairly frustrating. I’m constantly arched awkwardly in a chair,” Murphy explained. “I’d nearly use the ledge of a windowsill to write on.” His Dad was left-handed, but was forced to be right-handed during school. Much like his father, Luke’s university is now basically doing the same thing. In response to our calculated discounted tuition price, Murphy said he “would be happier if they would use that kind of money to invest in more desks, to ensure that there is 10% of left-handed desks in each room.”
We also reached out to Ruairí Power, Welfare Officer of the UCD Students’ Union, who said “Oh f**k, okay. Do students actually care about this?” He then followed up with “Honestly, I think that 7.7% figure is actually too high, I yearn for the day it was legal to persecute ciotógs (left-handed people).” He also indicated he plans on introducing an anti-ciotóg motion at the next SU Council meeting.
Fócas expects both an immediate apology and correction from the University, and excitedly awaits the arrival of our Pulitzer Prize.
This article is from Fócas, the investigative wing of The College Tribune. Get in touch with us at email@example.com. Let us know what we should be looking into on campus.
Conor Capplis – Senior Reporter
Jack McGee – Reporter
Conor Paterson – Features Editor